Don’t Hurt Yourself

"I think I can, I think I can"

POOP.  There, I said it.

Now there are about a million different things about poop that would make for a quality post, but after giving it some serious thought on the shitter, I decided to keep it classier than usual and discuss some poop etiquette that has been on my mind for some time.

Now I know I’m not alone when I admit that I get some of my best thinking done on the shitter.  When it’s a slow day at work, I  go in there for a quick nap or a chance to read the news uninterrupted.  It is a sacred place.. my sanctuary, my escape, my private safe haven.

If  you are one of the people that thinks they are too busy to take a break on the shitter, or if you think that the bathroom isn’t a great place to get some well-deserved “personal” time at work.. then go fuck yourself. You’re either a fucking liar who doesn’t want to admit that they shit at work, you are way too incompetent to complete the banal tasks handed down to you at your pathetic job, or are such a waste of space that every minute of the day constitutes “personal” time.  Any way you slice it, you’re worthless.  As for the rest of us…

I, for one, am only given an hour lunch break.  If I smoked cigarettes I could go kick it outside for a few minutes every hour, but I don’t want to get back into smoking just because I desperately need some free time away from my desk.  Why is it that only people with the most fucking repulsive habit get a break from work.  Why encourage disgusting people to keep on being disgusting?  What’s the rationale here?  Ever since people (in most cities) were forced to smoke outside, we gave them all an excuse to be lazy at work.  I want a piece of the action, but without the cancer.. so what is a lazy, non-smoking cubicle rat to do with himself?

The bathroom is one of the few legitimate safe havens left for people that are bored and sick of their jobs.. it’s a place that offers employees an escape.  However, this way of life is threatened by corporate, water cooler, bullshit. It’s not just the TP (thanks, rav) that’s the problem, apparently using the shitter is frowned upon too.

For whatever reason, very few people are comfortable enough to poop at work.  Why is it so hard? You scared of letting your other same-sex co-workers know that you shit just like everyone else?  Since when is inhuman bowel control a sign of virtue in the workplace?  Am I going to be fired because I need to poop? Am I going to get ahead because I never awkwardly interact with my superiors in the bathroom?

Most people will try to hold it in at all costs, but when it gets to be too much for them, there are some tell-all signs and techniques they use in order to hide their totally normal body function.

For one, “non-poopers” try so hard to make it seem like no one is in the bathroom (causing that funky ass smell). Well, dickhead.. you’re busted. You thought that someone wouldn’t try to open the door so that they can poo? The stall door locks from the inside, it can’t be locked and empty. Not only is the door a dead giveaway, but we can see your shoes, idiot. If you are one of those people I imagine lifting their feet while crapping.. you are very sad (and apparently the spawn of some masochistic gymnast/carney). Additionally, the suspected non-pooper will always refuse to make eye contact like you’ve just taken the heinous smelling dump, or contracted some sort of STD.

Let’s be real. If we’re all gonna clench our asses all day, then why bother installing sit-shitters at all (in the guys bathroom at least).. A line of urinals would do it for all of you non-poopers, but what about accommodating those with the chutzpah to drop one on company time. In a city with so few public restrooms (NYC), shouldn’t you take advantage of the opportunity to crap it up without the risk of contracting some disease from a filthy toilet seat? I suppose you could always try taking the commute to go to your home shitter, but chances are you’ll just poop yourself on the subway.. Not cool.

It’s never a problem for the boss to take a shit.. he spends most of his day shitting on your hopes and dreams anyway, so what the fuck does he care if he dumps in the company john?  He had it installed.  My boss was pooping the other day… I could tell by his shoes.  It was perhaps the rankest motherfucking shit I have ever smelled in my entire life. Fucking legendary. I could taste the vomit creeping up my esophagus when I walked into the bathroom. But what does this gross anecdote have to do with bathroom etiquette?

Everything.

I am convinced you can tell a lot about a person by their shitting habits. Just like someone who has a mustache, taking a really smelly shit and not caring about it just reeks (forgive the pun) of self-confidence. How do you think that guy got to be your boss in the first place.. certainly not from clenching his ass all day and making that bitter beer face while he’s busy kissing everyone’s ass.

The bathroom is for shitting, so fucking shit already. You’re gonna hurt yourself. Why not just take the awkwardness out of it and GO NUTS.

So to those trying to get ahead in the workplace… POOP IT UP. Make noises of relief, shuffle around, use too much TP, be sure to fart.. it’s a great way to get noticed.