Umbrella Etiquette or Madness?

Whats the deal with umbrella etiquette, or lack thereof? Jesus christ that sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, just not as funny and effeminate. Nevertheless, what is the deal with this perplexing matter? The answer is, there is no deal. People are too self-absorbed to even take notice of this simple common courtesy, which can straight up save lives. Well, it can at least prevent people from getting poked in the eye, but that’s still quite important.

I mean umbrellas can be pretty damn dangerous. Picture this – you’re walking down the street, its raining ever so slightly, but enough to necessitate an umbrella. youre walkin, maybe talkin, minding your own business, and out of nowhere something jabs you in the fucking face. you turn around only to see an endless sea of umbrellas, meaning anyone of these pieces of shit could have been the offender. Then, strangely enough something is dripping down your face; it’s blood.

While this scenario may be a slight exaggeration, a friend of mine, some may say, a brosef, has taken it in the eye twice. Luckily, he was wearing protective head gear…glasses, so he averted blindness (or an annoying poke to the eye), but this has certainly left him scarred and bitter (who would’ve thought?). Consequently, we need to establish some basic umbrella guidelines, lest this happen to YOU (probably wont be laughing so hard after you take it to the face).

1. Females – BE AWARE

I have no qualms with ladies in general; however, this deserves special attention. Because of your height, ladies, you are often shorter than most men, leading many of you to hold umbrellas at this dangerously perfect eye gouging level. I know you’re boyfriend won’t text you back, you’re job sucks, and you wanna change the song on your ipod, but for gods sakes look the fuck up and watch out. I have had far too many close calls.

2. What to do?

This is the basic question in terms of the etiquette itself. What do I do to avoid hitting you with my umbrella? Well there are a few things:

a. Go for the over the top move, ie raising the umbrella to a much higher level, so as to avoid hitting anyone. I know what your thinking…’I may get wet.’ First, it’s an umbrella, so even if you raise the damn thing, it will still serve the same exact purpose, the device will simply be at a higher plain for a moment or two. Also, even if you do get wet for 2 seconds, deal with it. The opportunity cost of getting slightly wet for a moment vs. a swift jab to my cheek is certainly worth it.

b. Elaborating on this notion of getting wet for a moment, you could also move the umbrella to the side as you pass by a fellow umbrella holder. I know,  god forbid those 7 drops make contact with your new jacket  – tough shit.

c. If you need more ways to avoid hitting someone with your umbrella, you’re utterly retarded and dont even deserve to hold one of the precious objects in the first place.

Side note: I failed to mention the fact that most people are wearing full fucking rain suits UNDER their umbrellas.. making the 7 drops a total non issue. Not only is it hot in the summer (even when it rains), but you look like you are in a fucking hazmat suit. What the hell are you so afraid of.. if you’re afraid of the rain, you probably have little to contribute to society (except for that you are comfortable in a hazmat suit.. we can send you out first in a nuclear emergency.. then you may actually have some use).

Who decided that galoshes had to be a necessary element of your hazmat suit? Who keeps sending out these ridiculous memos that make retarded clothing accessories cool. Galoshes have a real purpose.. as boots. I’m talking about the work boots for people that work in water up to their shins.. or higher. Sewage workers, construction workers, etc. You’re foofy little mm thick, powder blue excuse for shoes does not fall into this category.

Speaking of which, do galoshes  always have to be bright fucking yellow or some, bullshit baby blue with birds on it for females? Granted there are subtle galosh colors (what am i saying), but most people go for the loud and proud….to be wearing galoshes color. Even if you DO think they are cool, they allow water to get inside of them from above (still giving you wet feeet – what you tried to avoid)

Ironically, it’s the folks in these hazmat suits (complete with “stylish” galoshes) that abruptly change directions to avoid puddles.. The question is, isn’t the fun of waterproof shoes the ability to get them wet? If you’re scared of a few inches of water, see a doctor. But the main problem is that these waterproofed idiots, are more likely to stab you in the face because they can’t stand the notion of getting their rubber shoes wet.

We have already pointed out that these galoshes let in rain from above, so why would you want something that just makes your feet all gross and sweaty? I guess you only care about people seeing the ridculous loud colors, not your disgusting, wet feet.

But perhaps the whole galosh thing ought to be it’s own post. For the time being, the take away is

1) that people in their hazmat suits DO NOT EVEN NEED a fucking umbrella

2) If you are too stupid to recognize this.. at least try to keep your umbrella in check.