Being Single is Rough

From the Rav’s Corner

Everyone has a safe haven. A place you go to forget about your troubles. A place to relax and regroup – be one with the spirits. They are as important as the female tankini. (Can you imagine the increase of jelly roles and fatties roaming the beaches- excuse me as I wipe the excess vomit from the sides of my mouth) Without them (safe havens), heart attacks would increase by 40% – murder rates would skyrocket, and suicides would be at an all time high. We all need to escape reality once in a while in order to remain sane. These places are even more crucial in high stress environments like hell. (hell=work)
 
Everyone has some sort of problem at work, with the possible exception of the “hard workers” mentioned here earlier. After all, that’s why it’s called work. We’ve all gotten fed up with the nasally coworker who yells on the phone, or the immediate supervisor who thinks the only way to advance up the ladder is by jamming a finger up your asshole. The irritations abound. It is for this reason that God – or whatever divine being took time out of his day to consider the little people – created certain places of office-time solace. (That safe haven)

We all know the places I’m talking about: there’s the cigarette break – and for the life of me, I still don’t understand how, A. this is still condoned in the cigarette-smokers-are-worse-than-the-Taliban era we live in, and B. how more people don’t smoke for this one gigantic perk…but for those non-smokers out there, there is… the Bathroom.

The Bathroom is more influential in the production of your average American employee than salary and hours combined. It’s a place where you go to have peace and quiet. A serene environment, where you sit on your throne to think about how to fix the world. I love the bathroom and everything it has to offer (especially during the work day) But more often than not, my escape – my safe haven – my throne, becomes my worst nightmare in the blink of an eye. Too many times have I reached across my body only to scream, “NOOOOO” It’s fucking single-ply (toilet paper). What the fuck is this shit? It might be the worst invention since the Flobee. 
 
To be honest, single-ply is a day ruiner. Often times it can ruin a week, depending on the damage to senor svinkter. I can’t fully describe my initial reaction when I realize that the only option of TP is single-ply. The only similarity that comes to mind is when Simba saw his father Mufasa, tumble down a cliff only to be trampled to death by a stampede of wilderbeasts. I’m confused, angry, and I just don’t understand why the world has been so cruel. But my skin is a little thicker than young Simba – I will fight back.
 
Honestly, I just don’t get it. What the fuck is single-ply? Why does anyone buy it? It’s by far the stupidest idea to enter the bathroom since people got all into putting phones in their bathrooms in the 90′s (remeber that? If not, I still hate you, and single ply for that matter!). Its thin, which causes it to constantly rip even with a delicate touch. By the end of fucking around with this shitty TP, you’re whipping your ars with your hand. I’d rather use recycled dunkin’ doughnut napkins than single ply. What really gets me is that the most profitable firms, the most expensive colleges, the elite clubs around, all buy it for their bathrooms. If people believe in those retarded 9/11 conspiracies – is it that unfathomable to believe in this irritated asswhole conspiracy? What if all the rich people of the world were trying to keep the rest of us down, by giving us single-ply, thus svinkter irritation? I’ll keep a look out for that, but now back to bitching and finding a solution.

These establishments that fuel the fire of single-ply corporations are scumbags. If the argument is bulk purchase – I’m not buying it. I’ve been to the local Costco/Sam’s Club, and you can easily purchase regular fucking TP. The small things in life truly do go a long way. Just like putting on a T-shirt straight out of the dryer – some soft TP can really brighten up your day. But this sandpaper, that many call toilet paper is unacceptable and should be banished. If not from the world, definitely the United States of America. Our ancestors called for “No Taxation without Representation” and now we should rise up again and call for “Extra Cushion when we are through with our Pushin.”
 
Everyone can do their part to help out on this serious issue. Please spend the extra 1-2 dollars on regular TP to bankrupt these single ply business. Make the your world, your families, and your bathroom a safer place.