Bandanas?

I’m walking around today doing some errands and I noticed an auspiciously large number of people wearing bandanas… Now I know I live in Miami and work on South Beach so I ought to expect the worst, but bandanas? I guess, they’re not just for bikers and bandits anymore. So I gotta ask a simple question. What the fuck happened and where was I?

Everybody remembers that brief stint in the 90′s when it was cool to have bandanas and I must admit I had one, but unfortunately, I didn’t have the cool, surfer dude (or grunge) locks that could be conveniently stashed into a bandana.. when I wore it, it screamed “alternative” (and not in a good way). When jew hair like mine gets long, it doesn’t lend itself well to bandanas… c’est la vie.

Can’t totally discredit bandana wearers.. if you can pull it off (no easy task), then more power to you, but if you have even the slightest doubt that you can’t, you’re right. Good luck with that. You deserve a rotten tomato to the face.

Now I still own a bunch of bandanas (left over from my “alternative” years). They are buried at the bottom of my rucksack I use for camping. It has a ton of uses, but more so as a cloth for wiping sweat, wiping your ass, wiping just about anything. It can also shield you from the sun, act as an impromptu bandage or splint, block dust (dust storms, dry deserty areas, etc.) or even as a tourniquet for you junkies out there who sold their belts. For other uses, holler at my main man Les Stroud (the featured badass who is selling out for the Cartoon Network). He could turn my shit into gold, or at least into a handy shelter or something).

Bandanas are also acceptable for working folks that wear hard hats or bikers who wear helmets. Basically, a bandana is appropriate when worn under any uncomfortable, sweaty head gear. Normally, the best invention for this would be the “skully”. But let’s be real folks, I don’t know many white dudes who can really pull off the skully look without looking like a penis in an ill-fitting rubber (I guess except for Eminem, who in my opinion, still looks questionable). Thus, the bandana makes an adequate substitute for the skully in white peoples’ head protecting situations.

The people walking around today didn’t have a motorcycle (or even a helmet)… maybe a vespa or some other name brand girly-cycle, but no sign of bikers here. They certainly weren’t camping (the tits on this dude’s wife would only be useful as flotation devices, or maybe as a pillow).

So what about mildly acceptable uses? Are there any? Well, maybe rolling it up into a headband is acceptable, but not only would that be totally inappropriate for this guy in particular, but I think that that look is reserved for stoners (e.g. my pal Stevo and all of his buddies from high school).. Even rich hippies would rather wrap up some rag for a headband (preferably tie-dye) than purchase one of those old-school b-ball jawns.

Apparently, there are “wrist bandanas”.. But, I’ll let the lovely “kandeejohnson” tell the tail

Thanks to this enlightening bit from Kandee, there is quite a bit I didn’t realize about bandanas. Not only are wrist bandanas “functionable” (makeup wipers) but also “fashionable”. Apparently, they also come in “PRO” colors. Are you kidding me? People are actually scrambling for “limited edition” and “discontinued” bandana colors and prints like they would suck a dick for the most expensive beanie baby (which happens to be a royal blue elephant named “peanut”). Just to wipe their makeup, sop up blood, make a helmet comfortable, or look like a douche on Lincoln Mall Rd in South Beach?  I didn’t think I would be relieved to be so out of touch with my own culture. At least Kandee is attractive. Doesn’t seem like she has much else on her mind. She has plenty of time for her “makeup” blog. Isn’t the Internet grand?

Also, as if cornering the market on skully caps wasn’t sufficient, hip-hop culture has also embraced the bandana.  This is also an acceptable use, and also not the use to which I’m primarily referring.  I gotta say, though, that it seems pretty lame. I wouldn’t say that I fully understand the concept of “freshness”, but certainly color coordinating (but in a “manly” way) your flat-brim, XXXL tee, and kicks is part of the idea. So why not add another useless splash of color for “pizazz”. When does one cross the line from “fresh” to “female”? I guess if you can kick the shit out of anyone who stunts on you, then you can add all the fugazi “flair” you desire. They actually have “how-to” guides to “rocking” a bandana.. Taking this guy’s advice and not being on steroids may get you curbstomped (especially rolling trough crypts territory), but you can’s say I didn’t warn you.

Brief side note: are these folks paid or just retarded? You must check out this additional video from the same shmucko about gaining confidence. Ridiculous.

Another side note: Why do so many people drawn to dressing their dogs up with bandanas? Is it because it’s the only thing you can convince your dog to wear? If you find yourself “convincing” your dog to wear clothes, leave it the hell alone. They evolved fur for a reason, but if you don’t believe in evolution, then you might be stupid enough to dress your dog. Most dogs are NOT into it, they don’t seem happy about their new sweater. I hope they bite you for it. I would. I am disappointed in people that dress up their dogs, but I’ll save that for another post (coming soon). If you have to compromise by putting a bandana on the dog’s collar (so that they won’t notice), then you have already thought too much about your dogs appearance. They aren’t suddenly cooler, they’re still fucking dogs, wonderful in all their naked glory. Why besmirch such a cool creature with your ridiculous accessories? You’re dog was already cooler than you and had the potential to give you a few cool points as well.. way to go and screw that up.

So if you live ANYWHERE (except the woods) and don’t fall into the “acceptable” categories above, then you have to realize that it is no longer the “alternative” 90′s (the 1990s or the badass, train-robbing 1890′s). Most of you are not “fresh”. You are more like the cock-smooches who dress up their dogs. Get it together.. if you’re hair is so unruly that you think you need a bandana, find another way to handle it or just cut that shit. If you are covering a bald spot, get a hat (or some rogaine, baldy).

Maybe bandanas are making a comeback and I didn’t get the memo. I thought that they died with Axl Rose’s career. I’ll bet the hipsters somewhere in Williamsburg brought it back (or never let it go) at the turn of the century and it’s now trickling it’s watered down pretentiousness to the general populous of bald, tiny-dicked miami socialites cruising the boulevard with their gold-digging, plastic blow-up doll mistresses (complete with gaping mouth and shocked, “wow there’s a dick in me” expression). Well, good luck with that. At least you have a nice car.  Maybe they’ll write a tabloid article next to Jessica Simpson’s new fatness about how your wife got caught slobbing some rapper’s pole (while wearing a “fresh” bandana, of course. She seems into them).