That really grinds my gears…

I would like to formally apologize to Seth MacFarlane and “Family Guy” and whoever the fuck coined that shit in the first place (pretty sure it’s not copyrightable and I’m certain it’s not a trademark… unless you count fictional news programs within fictional cartoons that regularly infringe copyright.. or get licenses or claims it’s a parody and counts as a fair use) I’m pretty sure they get their pants sued off all the time, so they probably don’t give a shit about my blog posts or the two hopeless idiots that read it. 

Which brings me to the shit that happens to piss me off right now, fuck it, I mean grinds my gears…

Cartoons: I have an unhealthy love for cartoons.. get it out, laugh it up, dickhead, pretend like you have really cool hobbies. I’m not into that dumb shit anime, but I basically watch only sports (not espn), food network and cartoon network (and discovery.. shark week is sweet).

 I would like to give a hearty FUCK YOU Cartoon Network, you officially let me down.  

You remember MTV? Of course you don’t.  There hasn’t been significant “M” in MTV since 1999.. but there hasn’t been a hell of a lot of “TV” in it either.  Do you remember why you stopped watching? Well, yes the music was increasingly mediocre, and yes Carson Daly is a super-huge doucheface, but that ain’t it.  It’s when MTV thought they you were so fucking stupid that if they changed the “M”usic into “R”eality, that you would care more and more about the pitiful lives of douchebags just like ourselves… we got voyeuristic and stupid and lived vicariously through a bunch of people that aren’t nearly intelligent enough to be even mildly entertaining (trust me, one of them, I’ll call her ChocolateLesboFishFace, went to my high school).  Reality television has it’s place, like daytime TV when only lonely, fat fuckers from the midwest are surfing between Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones (are they still even on TV?)… Here’s a reality TV show: collect all these idiots and let them bend over so the idiot writers of the TV shows can rape them repeatedly and throw them onto an island.. yea, then blow up the island.. I’m thinkin’ you could definitely get an Emmy for that shit, but I don’t work in TV (I’m sure that idea is on the table at MTV as “Hail Mary”).  

But like I said, who the fuck gives a shit about MTV? I certainly don’t.. my beef is with Cartoon Network.  You might be wondering why or just that I’m a douche for watching it. You would have a point there, but this isn’t about me it’s about the other viewers, and because the viewers of Cartoon Network tend to be kids, this is about the children.  Cartoon Network (probably owned by some larger conglomerate of out-of-touch fuckfaces who jam crappy lowest-common-denominator fare down the pipes of impressionable soon-to-be assholes) has a new promotion called “Spring Break ’09″ that mimicks (in a rather humrous way) the exact same Carson-Daly dumbshit that I hate on above.  Now you would think that that would officially put me on the same side as Cartoon Network and make me look like an asshole for opening up this whole can of worms in the first place.  An asshole I may be, but incorrect I am not.  I would go on to say that this sort of play is “refreshing” or “familiar” and because it is trying to mock the whole reality TV thing, which deservedly should be mocked until they step their game up or get stomped out by some other huge conglomerate clusterfuck with similarly disgusting content in new, shiny packaging (like a stupifying dildo for your grey matter, fucking even the stupid out of your head… why do they think we’re such fucking idiots?).

But they didn’t stop there.

They have new shows.. “Highly anticipated summer programming”. It’s not more of the same.. cartoons about 16 year olds who hang out at a mall, or cartoons about a reality show that takes place on some crappy island in ontario that has replaced all that is holy about cartoons (the only vestige of which is totally mis-scheduled throwback episodes of Tom & Jerry and newly animated movies of Scooby-Doo.. which are super awesome by the way).  Where’s the slapstick, the violence, and the horribly hidden sexual innuendos?  A lot of what sucked about cartoons (from a technical standpoint) is actually what most of us like about them… we don’t need flashy animation (or animation that is intended to look shitty.. that’s silly hipster-motivated dumbshit we have plenty of in our everyday lives, thank you) or “mild flirtatious dialogue”, we need that old-school shit.. or at least a modern representation.  I thought Cartoon Network would be the only place that is free of drama.. I just want to fucking drink and watch cartoons, I had no idea that making that remotely palpable was such a tall order.. Excuse me.

So they answer my plea.. or pretend to.  They make an EXTRA network (called Boomerang, for those who are too cool for cartoons), that doesn’t come with your cable but has to be paid for ON TOP of your regular programming.  It does have all the old cartoons (the great Hanna-Barbera classics included), all day long (interrupted only by standard mindless commercials).. but it’s not available in all network areas or on all cable providers.. (trust me, this is important enough that I was even willing to shell out the exorbitant extra fee for programming that is in higher demand than the crap they now try to call Cartoon Network).  Look, first you replace my fucking my good cartoons with shitty ones, then you replace those shitty ones with shittier ones, then you tell me I have to pay extra to get the old ones back, then they’re not available in my area.. Are you fucking kidding me?  No wonder people pirate TV shows, they’re probably just trying to watch the good ones you stupid assholes keep in some vault as if you think the money you are missing out on is simply gonna fly out of the ass of some magical money-shitting genie (hey, now there’s a cartoon).

Am I done? of course not… Cartoon Network read my thoughts then kick me in the fucking balls.

I’ve put up with this crappy kind of tween-drama dumbshit on Cartoon Network for a while, have been denied access to the good ones, and have been told that since there is nothing better I should essentially fuck myself… Maybe if I keep watching for long enough I’ll eventually become the mindless tool you assholes want me to be so I can respond to your commercials, too.  Actually come to think of it, the commercials are so much better than the programs that I seem to leave my house everyday whistling the jingle of some stupid play-doh commercial (touche.. maybe the advertisers have you so by the balls that you can’t compete with a catchy jingle and a thirty second clusterfuck of lights, sounds and toll-free telephone numbers).  Pull your pants up Cartoon Network (or whoever it is that has your nuts in a vice grip) and grow a fucking spine, or keep doing what your doing and become the next fucking MTV.. lost, forgotten, shell of your former glory pretending to ride endlessly on a “cool” factor that never fucking existed.  Grow the fuck up.. grabbing and keeping people’s attention is your job (hopefully you’re looking for new ones.. i hear they need your uninteresting asses in law and accounting firms).

Cartoon Network’s response: what the kids want is not better cartoons.. we are gonna give them ACTUAL REALITY TV.  With kids and everything.. doing real life stuff, and interacting in real life drama.  Really fucking original.  So now I can go to CARTOON network to watch REAL people interact… why the fuck did you think I preferred cartoons in the first place (it’s not just because I’m lame).  ”Oh, but this isn’t like MTV.. no, this is totally different”.  I mean, I have ingested a lot of things in my day.. but I’ll have whatever the fuck he’s having.  Fucking idiots.. at the very least I thought the Cartoon Network was for Cartoons.. Silly me.. the acid must have not worn off.  But this ought to be cooler and more exciting, because after all what’s better than real life.. I mean, shit, we live it everyday.. isn’t it cool? 

Of course not.. that’s why we watch TV.

It’s like they are taking all the most mediocre shit  on regular television and mixing it together to make horrible dreck.  One of the shows is about kid ghost hunters.  Not surprisingly, ghost hunting shows ALREADY FUCKING EXIST (in more than one permutation I might add).  Right, these are kid ghost hunters.. much more real and professional (you must be fucking kidding me). I mean, really.. a ghost hunting show?  Ain’t nothing broke with Scooby-Doo.. and if you want to really make a show about ghosts interesting, don’t cartoons seem like the best medium to really put on some trippy shit.. we’re talking paranormal activity here.. why would I want reality, when the entire premise of the show is based on something deemed (generally) to be fictional.  Cartoons take imagination and MAKE it real.. idiot fucking kids with headlamps in an old mill followed around by a camera crew is just a bunch of idiot fucking kids with headlamps in an old mill followed around by a camera crew screaming their little bitch heads off at creaky doors and windows.  The other “hot release” is another Real Reality Show (didn’t think I would ever be making the distinction between real and cartoon reality shows.. what kind of metaphysical paradox are you driving at here?.. wait, I forgot.. it’s just that you don’t give a shit anymore, and I suppose you don’t want me to either) that features none other than “Survivorman”s Les Stroud to help leave some kids in the woods (under supervision) to fend for themselves.  Now I have no problem with Les Stroud (or the idea of abandoning your kids in the woods).. that man makes Bear Grylls look like a 13-year-old british girl in combat boots.. anyone who survives in the wilderness and has the gaul to truck their camera gear on their back too is a badass.. an idiot, but a badass one.  My beef is not with him, it’s with Cartoon Network.  Les Stroud gets the last laugh in all this.. at the end of the day he gets paid whereas Cartoon Network slowly bleeds and loses viewers, while the viewer (those that remain) are subjugated to the most ridiculously “faux” real, non-cartoon-oriented dreck.  

All I wanted was a little escape, a chance to relax with a beer and forget about how most of the world pisses me off in one way or another.. You fucked that up for me Cartoon Network.. you are too stupid to even provide me with fucking cartoons… I would even take that cult-driven, ambiguously-plotted, recycled anime shit before giving up cartoons all together.. What is your fucking problem.  If you want to serve me crappy reality television like everyone else, just own up and call yourself Crappy Reality TV Network.  You’ve killed a good thing, slowly and painfully.. and when the TV broadcast industry as we know it crumbles under the realities of rapidly advancing technology, I hope they show up at your office first to shit into your brain cavity like you have been doing to us for the last 5-10 years.  In fact, I would volunteer to do it personally (I’ll add more fiber to my diet right away.. You’re full of shit.. any tips?).

Thanks for taking an entire generation of kids who would have been more than happy to turn their brains to shit and forcing them to read books.  Kudos, perhaps you’re doing the world a favor.