Failed Social Experiment 36-A

I’m sitting in class today and there is a guest speaker.  Excellent dude, real old school industry mogul that chums it up with the faculty while just getting paid to soak up a little sun in Miami.. calling him Sneaker Pimp.  So Sneaker Pimp represents a PRO and has some really great ideas.. he dominates the conversation and has actual points of view, rather than a whole lot of dumbshit just pointing out what we already know.. Sneaker Pimp is excellent.  My teacher is a nervous old school dude with some off the wall ideas.. he is like bipolar, pretending to play whatever side is tied closer to his point.. also a great guy.  

What do these two gentlemen just basically having a conversation in our class (and waking our asses up at 930 and forcing us to watch) have in common?  Domination.. Innovation.. Absolutely not.  Sneaker Pimp and the Dominatrix have mustaches.. bushy motherfucking mustaches.  The kind that you get food caught in and tickles a lady real nice.. one that commands respect and has the power to be both comforting and intimidating all at once.  They COMMAND respect.

So mustaches are fucking sweet.  So I made a decision about a month ago on a facial hair experiment that I would like to share with you. 

It had been a long time since I had some facial hair.. Miami is motherfucking hot and that is not cool for facial hair.. I’m telling you that you can really feel the difference.  However, the main reason that I usually don’t grow it is because I look like an asshole.  I am missing “spots” and “connectors” that would supply me with “full coverage”.  I was hoping that since it had been such a long time since I had grown it out, that maybe it would have filled in.

No dice.  3 weeks into it the same parts were missing and I looked like a dirty hobo.. fortunately I was amongst dirty hobos in Austin for SXSW.. perfect setting for disgusting facial hair.  I am disgusted both by my face and how sweaty I had been getting.. Phase 1 is a total failure.

Grab the blade.. let’s get down.. Phase 2.  I am going for the mustache. Unfortunately, even after 3-4 whole weeks of cultivation (sans trimming) all I am left with a dirty crusty crustache.. Fucking awesome.. I look like a mexican cop.  So I figure how am I gonna make this more convincing.. so I leave 2 mean motherfucking mutton chops (you know, the sharp elvis looking one almost bad ass enough to make a full handle bar connecting a thin disgusting line from ear to nostril.. but alas symmetrical holes plague my facial hair pattern and a connection was never made).

Now I would normally just take a picture, call it a funny experiment, pass around the photos, giggle like a little bitch and shave the rest off.. But no. PHASE 2: Own that motherfucker.

So I rock it.. totally ass backwards results.. I get smiles and compliments all the time (most are actually making fun of me.. but that is the beauty of owning that shit.. negative attention just adds to the experiment). I wanted to be like Sneaker Pimp and Dominatrix, but it seems like I will never have cool facial hair.. 

But I just said that the reactions were positive.. well yes, but mainly in the 18-25 demographic.  I had a bunch of really serious conversations where it was much more difficult to “own” it and have the authority that a real mustache ought to command.. the mutton chops DID not help.  

At least I don’t have the rest of the disgusting body hair that usually accompanies a frock of manly facial hair.. no sweater here.  This is a much better trade off.  

Experiment FAILED.  If you have a mustache Fuck You.  I am super jealous.